


strawberries & cigarettes.

by soonsets



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad, idk what else to put here its just really really sad thats it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:01:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27819457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soonsets/pseuds/soonsets
Summary: The heart wants what it wants, but it's not what it always gets.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi & Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Kudos: 23





	strawberries & cigarettes.

Warm. 

That was the sensation that filled Jihoon's room as the sunlight filtered through his blinds, inavertently landing on his eyes which rouses him awake. 

He turns to the side — to the colder and emptier side of his bed, heavy lids blinking through the intoxicating haze of sleep to glance at the digital clock by his table that read 10AM. 

It was those red, jagged text that fully wakes his soul, eyes blowing wide open in realization that he was, in fact, about to be late. 

Bumzu expects him in the studio at 10:30, yet here he was, cursing the innocent sunlight that was simply doing his bright job for ruining his sleep when he should be thankful it woke him up in the first place. 

Jihoon quickly throws the covers off of him, not bothering to fix his bed and takes the swiftest shower of his life. Although the sun woke him up in the nick of time, it seems that that was the last of his luck as he fails to find a single hoodie in his wardrobe.

It was only when he glared at the growing pile of clothes that he had thrown on the ground a couple of minutes prior that he remembers that he has just dropped off his laundry the other day — the set of laundry that contained most of his beloved hoodies. 

This aggravated him more, causing him to kick his poor clothes with a childish whine which reveals the item has been desperately looking for. 

In his haste, he doesn't recognize the clothing at all as he slips it on, enjoying its loose fit while he walks to the door. It finally hits him when he checks himself in the mirror. 

The hoodie was Soonyoung's. 

* * *

Nothing. 

Jihoon's mind has been completely blank; void of any concepts or ideas worthy of a song ever since he sat in his chair after arriving in the studio several apologies later. 

No catchy beats, no mellifluous melodies, not even a single poetic lyric. 

Absolutely nothing. 

He releases a frustrated sigh, taking off his cap and running his fingers through his hair harshly a couple of times before putting it back on, just like he has done multiple times already in a span of a few hours.

All that Jihoon has to do is produce one more song. One final song to complete his list before he could present it to Bumzu for approval and opinions. 

Just one more song and he could be one step closer to his dream. 

Yet no matter how much time he has spent staring at the programs displayed on his screen, no matter where in the wide internet he has looked, no matter what he listens to for inspiration — nothing comes into his usually wonder-filled mind. 

This fact has been eating him up more and more with every sigh he emits, planting seeds of irritation within him that grows as he glances at his clock and reminds himself of exactly how much time he has wasted already. 

Finally giving in to his distress, Jihoon lets out a groan of annoyance this time, tugging his drawer open in a rather rough manner. His hand delves into it in search of a particular stick, but all he procures is a thin, plastic one. 

A lollipop. A strawberry flavored one at that, he notices upon closer inspection. One of the few that Soonyoung put in his drawer to replace his cigarettes (or "cancer sticks", as his ex used to called them) when he had finally convinced him to quit, albeit with difficulty. The memory brings a small pang of nostalgia and pain as Jihoon recalls that day. 

_“I'm gonna throw these god-forsaken cancer sticks and put these lollipops right here, alright? I made sure I got strawberries since they're your favorite. Eat them instead when you crave, okay? I'll be watching you, Lee Jihoon.” Soonyoung stated, making sure that Jihoon saw exactly where he put them. His slanted eyes were narrowed warningly, doing the 'I'm watching you' gesture with his fingers to which Jihoon responds with a small "okay"._

In the end, Jihoon never touched them, too occupied by Soonyoung's constant presence in the studio that kept him at bay. The man seemed to have keen senses, always pulling Jihoon away from work right when his stress begins to build up. Soonyoung was always there to distract him and keep him in check, making sure he got his meals on time and never got too fed up with his producer's block. He used to shower him in compliments every time he heard his newest piece, never failing to let him know how proud he was of his dearest boyfriend. Jihoon always knew he was sincere no matter how embarrassing his praises were — the way Soonyoung's eyes sparkled in amazement every single time is all the proof he needed. 

With a slightly aching heart, Jihoon closes the drawer with a thud and began peeling the wrapper off of the treat, popping it into his mouth soon after. 

It tastes good, he'll give it that. Not too sweet, but not too bland either. He subconsciously nods in approval. 

He leans back in his seat, dejected, and silently contemplates on whether he should nap for a while or not. Just then, the silence in his studio is broken by an obnoxiously loud and auto-tuned _**“horanghae!”**_ — the very ringtone that his once boyfriend, Soonyoung, had set for his own contact so that Jihoon would immediately know that it was him who was trying to reach him. It was a snippet from the song Soonyoung made that one time Jihoon let him try making music in his studio. The file still exists in his computer to this day.

Jihoon rolled his eyes at him then and immediately snatched his phone from him, but he never changed the ringtone. Not even after several months since Jihoon broke off what they had — especially each other's hearts. 

His breath hitches, heart pounding painfully against his chest as his gaze flicks over at the bright screen of his phone, indicating that he received a message. 

Had he accidentally summoned Soonyoung with the lollipop and his stupid memories? It's an incredulous thought and he knows it, yet his heart couldn't help but skip a nervous beat at the thought of talking to Soonyoung after months of pure avoidance and silence. None of them bothered to contact each other since the incident, subconsciously making sure to never cross paths at all to the point of dismissing invites immediately at the mere possibility that the other would be there. It was stupid because deep inside, Jihoon knew that he was avoiding Soonyoung not because he abhorred him, but because he knows he'll break and ask him back to his life as soon as he gets too close. And he can't have that. His _pride_ won't have that. 

_“This is for the best,” Jihoon tells himself each night he laid awake on his bed, denying the fact that he craves Soonyoung's presence rather than that of a cigarette's._

Jihoon clutches the sleeves of his hoodie — _Soonyoung's hoodie_ — to keep himself grounded amidst the memories that resurfaces and inhales deeply through his nose, inadvertently catching a whiff of its owner's scent. 

He does it a couple of times — _to calm his poor heart, of course, definitely not because he misses Soonyoung and his scent and the way it used to wash over him whenever they cuddle or even so much as hug_ — eventually maintaining a steady breath after a minute. 

After several moments of hesitation, Jihoon unlocks his phone, mentally preparing himself for whatever message Soonyoung had sent him while he waits for it to load. 

_**Soonyoungie:** _ _Hey, Ji. It's Cheol. My phone's still broken so I'm contacting you from Soonie's. Anyway, I was wondering if you could make it to my party tonight? You didn't reply when I asked you last week... I think it would be nice to celebrate my birthday with everyone. Text me back as soon as you decide so I'll know if I have to pick you up. The guys and I miss you._

Jihoon sighs, denying the nagging voice in his head that tells him he's disappointed that it wasn't an actual text from Soonyoung as he rests his face in his hands, a flurry of emotions whirling within him. 

His shoulders sags as he sighs, trying to make up his mind.

* * *

Seungcheol's party is a blast, as expected. Although the guests consisted of only their friend group and a select others, they still formed a pretty large crowd that miraculously managed to fit inside his medium-sized apartment. It's actually bigger than Jihoon's, but it has to be, considering that Seungcheol shares it with Jeonghan and Joshua. 

True to his words, Seungcheol did pick him up on time along with Hansol, Jun, and Chan, who had cheered so loudly at the sight of him that their voices echoed in the streets. He missed them; he admits as he finds himself smiling and laughing at their antics on the way while he was squished in the middle seat. 

The party is in full swing since the birthday boy had blown the candle and everyone had bits of icing smeared on their faces. All that was left to do is to have fun and drink the night away. 

Yet here Jihoon was, tucked away in his small corner with a beer bottle in hand. It's already half-empty, the man having spent the last hour taking multiple sips here and there while keeping up with whoever decided to occupy the seat beside him on the couch. The last person who chatted him up was Wonwoo, who soon left after briefly catching up with him. 

Everyone's got their own business going on, ranging from socializing to trying to chug a whole tower of beer in one go. (That was Mingyu, with an enthusiastic Seungkwan filming the whole thing.)

Jihoon watches them with a small smile, chuckling when the tower slipped from Mingyu's hold and drenched the said man with the beverage. The room erupted into cheers and laughter, almost all of the people piling in to the living room to catch a glimpse of the chaos. 

The sudden influx of people ruins the once comfortable spot on couch for Jihoon as some stranger stepped on the space beside him, most likely tipsy as they tiptoed on the pillows, trying to snap a picture of tbe the scene. It was then that he decides to get some air, promptly abandoning his seat to escape to the balcony. 

Fortunately, it was void of any people, likely due to the fact that the entrance to it was shrouded by a thick curtain. Jihoon makes sure to close the door before him, proceeding to the railing to stare at the brightly lit landscape in front of him. 

Seungcheol's apartment is in the upper sides of town, surrounded by modern buildings. While it blocked the natural beauty of Seoul, the breathtaking view of its skyline absolutely makes up for it. 

Jihoon sighs, silently thankful for the thick hoodie he wore that keeps him warm despite the icy evening breeze blowing in his direction, tousling his hair. 

It was during these moments that he'd light up a stick to gain a semblance of heat, enjoying the way the smoke puffs disappeared into the night. 

Before he knew it, he was reaching into the pocket of his hoodie in search of cigarettes, only to retrieve another lollipop once again. This time, it was him who put the sweet treat in his pocket, deciding that it wouldn't hurt to follow Soonyoung's advice. 

With a lollipop in his mouth, he sets down his beer bottle on the ground and was about to return to gazing at the view when the tell-tale sound of the sliding door opening hurriedly and closing with a slam prevents him from doing so, surprising Jihoon more than he would like to admit. It causes him to jolt in his spot, accidentally knocking over the beer bottle and causing its contents to spill. With a few colorful words, he was about to glare at the person who ruined his moment when he freezes. 

There he was, Kwon Soonyoung, clad in a simple hoodie and jeans fit much like Jihoon was. He's slumped on the chair placed at the opposite of Jihoon, head in his hands and panting like he had just ran a whole marathon. 

“Sorry for surprising you, I didn't think anyone would be he...” The words die in Soonyoung's mouth as soon as their eyes met, neither of them moving as though time has stopped for them. 

Heat crawls into Jihoon's cheeks and reaches the tip of his ears, heart pounding against his chest much like it did earlier today. Perhaps a little bit heavier due to Soonyoung's _actual_ presence. 

Jihoon breaks the contact first, coughing into his fist to get rid of the lump in his throat before asking, “Uh... are you okay?” 

“Y-yeah, I just needed to escape from there. Seokmin and Minghao have been chasing me with icings non-stop ever since I got here.” Soonyoung supplies with a nervous chuckle, running his hand through his hair. His gaze seemed to be stuck Jihoon — or more specifically, on his hoodie. 

Jihoon soon catches on, shuffling his feet and stuffing his hands in his pockets before speaking. “Oh, uhm, sorry. I couldn't find anything else and I was running late earlier. I... I'll give it back as soon as it's washed.”

“No, no, it's fine. Keep it.” 

Jihoon could've turned back around and kept looking at the buildings until Soonyoung left, but he couldn't help but gaze at the latter. He tells himself that he's just concerned for his well-being, as a friend, and it's not because he's trying to savor the first moment he has with Soonyoung and burn this image of him in his mind so he doesn't miss him too much once he leaves. 

Jihoon's orbs trace every dip and curve of Soonyoung's features; from his slanted eyes that once held adoration for him, to his supple cheeks, and his pinkish lips that once shone with his million megawatt smile that used to be directed at him, _for him_ — while the said man avoided his eyes as he rested. 

He tears his eyes away from him when his thoughts began to wander to how his heart used to flutter at the sight of a smiling Soonyoung, and to how he'd love to see such a beautiful sight once again. He shakes his head to rid himself of his ridiculous thoughts, reminding himself of the state of their relationship. Or the lack of it, to be precise. 

“Glad to see that you followed through, Ji.” Soonyoung speaks up again with a small smile, nodding at the lollipop that the other continued to consume. 

For some reason, his words caused Jihoon's heart to jump joyously even though he didn't do it for him to notice. But he welcomes it with open arms, smiling back at Soonyoung. “I figured it wouldn't hurt to try," he mutters in response. 

“Besides, they taste good. Thank you.” He continues, waiting for Soonyoung's reaction, only to be disappointed by the small nod and the “no worries” he receives. 

The air is tense and awkward, both of them looking as if they wanted to say more, say something _else_ , but didn't know where to begin. Both of their eyes frequently shuffled from each other and to their surroundings, catching each other's gaze a few times but never making the connection last. 

The next time their eyes met, both of their mouths were agape as if they were just about to speak. They both gestured at each other to speak first upon realization, making the air even more heavier with each passing second spent in silence. 

At last, Jihoon finds his resolve and decides to speak first; after all, it's his fault that they're in this state. He draws a shaky breath, the words that he has been dying to say forming on the tip of his tongue —

_KWON SOONYOUNG! GET YOUR SNEAKY ASS BACK IN HERE OR I'M TELLING JOSHUA HYUNG WHAT YOU DID!_

The pair looks in the direction of the apartment, the sounds of the commotion loud enough to be heard from their position, although faintly. 

Then, they look back at each other again, hesitance present in their eyes as clear as day. 

A second passes, then a few, until it turns to a solid minute and a couple more. Jihoon's courage dissolved into the air the moment Seokmin's voice broke into their silence, leaving him at a loss for words. Internally, he panicks, struggling to form what he wanted to say under Soonyoung's expectant gaze. 

The latter sighs and stands up, facing Jihoon. He waits for what Soonyoung has to say with bated breath, heart racing in anticipation. 

“I guess I have to go.” 

_No._

Jihoon's throat closes up as he bites his bottom lip, millions of thoughts and words that he wishes Soonyoung could hear racing through his mind.

_Please, stay._

He could feel Soonyoung looking at him again, his gaze feeling too heavy to ignore. He's waiting for Jihoon to say something because he knows; knows that Jihoon has so much things to say. 

But he doesn't. He doesn't say anything and simply clutches the sleeves of his hoodie tightly, fingers digging into the fabric as he grips it harshly. It was as if he was holding on to himself, holding himself back from saying all the words on the tip of his tongue. 

And with that, Soonyoung sighs, brushing his hair back and slides the door open once again, albeit softly and carefully this time. He steps out of the balcony and Jihoon does nothing but watch as he mumbles a small “Good night, Jihoon,” when their eyes met each other's one last time before closing the door shut; just like he did months ago when he broke Soonyoung's heart. 

And just like months ago, a tear slips from his eyes despite how much he tried to blink them away, his heart throbbing painfully with regret. 

Suddenly, his mouth doesn't taste so sweet anymore. 

It's bitter, burning with all the things he wished he could've said. 

**Author's Note:**

> i whipped this up at 2AM with nothing but a song in mind and decided to post it here after my friend's encouragement, so please let me know if there are any spelling or grammatical errors left. i hope you enjoyed. <3


End file.
